Identifying and Supporting Domestic Violence Survivors

Written by Rachel Thornton, F2F Development & Grants Intern (Summer 2022)

October is National Domestic Violence Awareness Month, the time to spread awareness about the ten million Americans who face domestic violence each year. Domestic violence refers to a violent act that occurs between romantic partners, family members, or other close relationships. Since it covers a wide range of scenarios, not all of which involve individuals who live together, domestic violence is sometimes also referred to as intimate partner violence, or IPV.

Regardless of the terminology, this form of violence has a hugely negative impact on a wide variety of people. It used to be the norm to define domestic violence as only men physically assaulting their wives, but the true definition has always been broader. Expanding public understanding of what domestic violence is matters because such narrow depictions prevent those who do not fit the stereotype from coming forward to report their victimization.

 

Recognizing The Uniqueness of Experiences

Understanding survivors of domestic violence also requires an intersectional approach. This term refers to the need to incorporate all aspects of an individual’s identity as context to understand their life experiences and reactions to events. For example, due to the persecution of transgender individuals historically in the United States, the transgender population has the highest rates of victimization of domestic violence. In fact, somewhere between one-third and one-half of all transgender individuals will experience domestic violence at some point in their lifetime. 

 

Another instance of using an intersectional approach to understand domestic violence involves the subjugation of Black women in America, which is often noted to contribute to Black women hesitating to report abuse or other crimes committed against them. This includes domestic violence, of which Black women are disproportionately impacted when compared with other racial and gender groups. According to one study, Black women accounted for nearly one-third of all deaths related to domestic violence in the United States despite only making up 8% of the population. These two examples demonstrate how contextual factors surrounding identity impact the experiences of domestic violence for each individual.

 

Key Signs to Look For

Even with these discrepancies in who is affected by domestic violence, it still must be emphasized that anyone can be victimized. For this reason, it is important during this National Domestic Violence Awareness Month to increase awareness of the signs of domestic violence and the best ways to support survivors, as there is not always an easy way to know who is suffering.

Some key signs that show someone may be suffering from possible domestic abuse include if they:

  • Describe their partner as being overly controlling or demanding

  • Excuse themselves from social events with the reason that their partner would be upset with them for going

  • Apologize for or attempt to justify their partner’s wrongdoings

  • Have unexplained injuries, including bruises, cuts, burns, sprains, or breaks

  • Spend less time with friends and family, instead focusing the majority of their time and attention on their partner

  • Sudden changes in personality, especially if they seem to become more anxious or depressed

  • No longer have control over their finances and mention asking their partner for permission to buy things

  • Suddenly change how they use social media or communicate with loved ones online

  • Stop practicing their religion or start practicing another faith they have not ascribed to previously

  • Blame themselves for things that are clearly outside of their control and apologize constantly

  • Stop going to doctor’s appointments or otherwise alter their health practices

  • Worry about leaving children or pets alone with their partner, even if the reason they give for this concern seems innocent

  • Seem more concerned than before about being outed if they are a part of the LGBTQ+ community

  • Stop going to therapy if they had been going previously

  • Uncharacteristic changes to their grooming and/or clothing habits. Such as wearing more/less makeup than usual, or wearing non-weather appropriate clothing (e.g. sweatshirt in the middle of summer)

  • Show a lack of interest in the activities that used to be their favorites

  • Romanticize jealous or possessive behavior from their partner

While these are some of the common signs of domestic abuse, this list is by no means exhaustive. In addition, there are other factors or life changes unrelated to abuse or violence that could explain certain items of this list. For this reason, such a list is merely a guideline, but it is a good starting point to identify someone who may be experiencing domestic violence.

 

How You Can Respond

When it seems like someone is being victimized in this way, whether they explicitly say so, hint at it, or display multiple signs, it can be difficult to know how to react. Helping them seems like the obvious answer, but what does that look like? Some well-intentioned people can actually make things worse by confronting the potential abuser, going to the police without the survivor’s consent, or otherwise intervening prematurely. For this reason, the education surrounding domestic violence must include how to properly support survivors. 

The following plan is a general blueprint of how to best support survivors of domestic violence, although each situation is certainly unique:

  1. Listen. Lending an ear to the survivor is the best way to begin to support them. This means not just hearing what they say, but rather actively listening to their stories, emotions, and worries. It is important while listening to survivors detailing their abuse to refrain from responding with judgment.

  2. Believe them. When people discuss abuse that they have endured, they are putting themselves in a vulnerable situation and opening themselves up to possible doubt. The rate of false reports of domestic violence is low; the vast majority of people do not make up such terrible abuse. Believing survivors is crucial for their mental wellbeing, and there is no reason whatsoever to be the source of unneeded doubt for someone who is suffering.

  3. Focus questions on their wellbeing. It is human nature to be curious about further details of what someone is experiencing or going through. It is absolutely essential to remember, however, that the main goal here is to support the survivor, not grill them on details that are not applicable. Any questions asked of them should be specific to their immediate safety and should not be about subject matter that will not help them. Their abuse is their story to tell when and if they feel ready.

  4. Help with safety planning. Safety planning refers to the process of considering possible courses of action to determine which will best ensure the safety of the person being victimized. This will look different in each situation depending on the circumstances of the abuse. For example, it may be safer for some people to stay with an abusive partner in the short term to prevent raising their wrath while relevant details are sorted out or the authorities are contacted. In helping with this process, the focus should be on how to make the person who has suffered feel the most safe. Brainstorming possible options with them or offering resources for support is great, but the final decision must be made by the person in the situation.

  5. Keep in contact. Even after the person is away from their abuser, they are not magically better, especially in terms of their mental health. Staying in touch with the survivor is an absolutely essential part of supporting them, as the pain does not automatically end when the domestic violence stops. Don’t be afraid to keep following up throughout the entire process, from the time they first speak with you about the abuse through the later stages, whether or not they choose to leave their abuser.

 

These five steps are designed to keep the survivor at the center of the process, with their physical and mental wellbeing at the forefront. This ensures that the survivor does not feel like their only option is to continue enduring the domestic violence, as can unfortunately be the case for individuals who do not feel safe reaching out for help. When dealing with domestic violence, remember that the abuse can become deadly if appropriate action is not taken. This is an urgent and very serious matter, making this October’s National Domestic Violence Awareness Month all the more important to ensure proper education and preparedness.