written by: Tracy Johnson, F2F intern, summer 2023
CONTENT NOTICE: domestic violence, intimate partner violence
For domestic violence awareness month, it’s fitting to dispel some of the myths and misconceptions that are spread amongst the world. Not only do most people not know exactly what domestic violence is and what forms it can take, but there is also a lack of understanding and empathy for the victims of these situations. Some victims do not recognize the severity of their situations because of this, and if they do, many times when they finally seek help from others they are met with barriers in getting people to listen, understand, and help them with their situation.
To provide a basis on what domestic violence is, it is an ongoing pattern of behaviors that is harmful or threatening within the domestic circle. This can mean any number of circumstances within a household, such as between partners, a parent figure and a child, roommates, etc. There are no limits with age, race, or gender on who can be impacted by domestic violence. This type of violence can also come in many forms, such as physical assaults, threats or verbal assaults, intimidation, use of weapons, sexual or financial manipulation, isolation, destruction of property, and more. Any of these ongoing patterns are ways that abusers try to control the lives and actions of others.
Since there is a lack of education on the subject, many misconceptions are spread throughout society. These myths keep us from being able to work toward a safer society for individuals, so let’s talk about them:
MYTH: Domestic violence is not that common
TRUTH: Everyone knows someone who has experienced some form of domestic violence, or has even experienced it themselves, but because of this misconception, we don’t understand how common it is. More than 1 in 3 women and 1 in 4 men experience some form of physical violence by an intimate partner in their lifetime [1]. That means if you’re looking at a group of three friends, at least one of them has or will experience domestic violence at some point.
MYTH: Domestic violence is always physical
TRUTH: As we talked about a little bit above, domestic violence does not always have to be physically harmful. There are many actions abusers take to psychologically manipulate their victim into staying in the cycle of violence. Many of these tactics lead to emotional and/or economic abuse, which can escalate eventually to physical and sexual violence. Common ways that abusers gain control of their victims that are not physically violent, but violent in other ways, include but are not limited to coercive control, harassment, stalking, and digital abuse. One of the ways this can take form that does not get much attention is reproductive coercion, where one partner is pressuring the other in some way about their reproductive choices (e.g. whether or not to use certain contraception, have children, etc). This is just one example of the violence and coercion that people in these situations face, that they might not even recognize is considered domestic violence.
MYTH: People often lie or exaggerate the violence they’re experiencing
TRUTH: It is extremely rare for a person to falsely report their domestic violence situations. Domestic violence should never be shrugged off as “just an argument” or the reasoning that “it’s just what couples do”, because that keeps people from getting the resources they need. Only the two people in the relationship can actually get the full scope of the situation, so if one of them is reaching out for help, it has most likely gotten to the point where the individual feels unsafe in some way. Rather than passing judgment, choose to believe and listen to victims so this type of violence does not stay in the shadows.
MYTH: It is easy to just leave a domestic violence situation
TRUTH: There is a common thought that many people have where they think that victims should be leaving domestic violence situations as soon as it happens, and if they don’t then there’s something wrong with the victim for not doing that. However, domestic violence situations are so complicated that it is not as easy as it seems to get out of these environments. In some cases, victims may think that leaving their abuser would actually be more dangerous than staying, due to the abusers’ threats or previous actions. If victims don’t positively know that they will have a safe environment to go to, that doesn’t endanger anybody else, then most times they will not be able to leave. There are also many complicated emotions that victims may feel toward their abuser based on the manipulation that goes with these patterns of violence.
TRUTH: Another aspect that makes these situations more complicated is when children are put into the mix. The victim may worry about their safety, issues of custody, or not being able to provide financially for their children if they were to leave. Just because the victim has not left the violent situation, does not mean they do not care about their children. A victim is not weak just because they can’t leave their environment or it took them longer than they feel like it should have to do so.
MYTH: Only poor women experience abuse
TRUTH: Domestic violence crosses all societal structures of race, gender, socioeconomic class, sexuality, etc. There are definitely groups of people who are disproportionately impacted than others. Here’s some quick statistics to highlight the differences between some groups:
It is 35% more likely for black women to experience domestic violence than white women. [2]
Households that earn less than $75,000 a year are 7 times more likely to face domestic violence issues. [2]
Domestic violence situations involving transgender women were 4 times more likely to have a financial abuse aspect and 2.5 times more likely to be in a sexually violent situation than those who did not identify as transgender women. [2]
TRUTH: However, that does not mean that other groups of people do not have these experiences. One group that is commonly overlooked is men that are abused. Though it is not viewed as a large issue, it is more common than people think for men to be the victim in abusive relationships. Because of cultural attitudes and stigmas, male victims of domestic violence face unique challenges and barriers to seeking support.
MYTH: They were violent because they were under the influence
TRUTH: Being under the influence of drugs or alcohol does not excuse the actions of the abuser. Just because someone is impaired by these substances, does not mean that was the cause for the abuse. Many people drink and use drugs without lashing out at others. The abuse is not because of the substances, it is because of the person.
MYTH: They just lost their temper
TRUTH: Anger is not an excuse to abuse someone else. Abusers may get upset at their friends, bosses, or law enforcement but they don’t act violently towards them. Abusers do this to their victims specifically, because they know the type of control they have over this person. It is a deliberate action that can not be explained away by anger. Blaming the victim for making their abuser mad is incorrect, makes the victim feel at fault, and keeps people from speaking up about their abuse.
Effects of Misconceptions and How to Combat Them
Domestic violence is not a private family matter, it is a social issue. The misconceptions and stereotypes that we have allowed to persist in society keeps survivors from getting help from the systems that we are encouraging them to use to get out of their abusive situations. The victim blaming that happens from these myths keeps us from holding the actual abuser accountable and getting victims the resources that they need. The ironic and disheartening reality is that the people blaming the victim for staying in abusive relationships for so long actually contributes to victims feeling like they’re not able to leave.
Some of the ways that we can combat these stereotypes is to educate people on the realities of domestic violence and offer support systems to victims. Many of these unhealthy and abusive behaviors start earlier than we think, in high school and college relationships. If we are able to educate ourselves and our young adults on the differences between healthy and unhealthy relationships, we could keep people from getting into the cycle of unhealthy relationships that can often lead to victims feeling like those are the only relationships that they deserve. A great resource for recognizing the signs between a healthy and unhealthy relationship is One Love.
Having stable, nonjudgmental systems in society for people to come to if they end up being victims is another piece that is crucial to get people out of their violent situations.
Resources
The National Domestic Violence Hotline’s website is one of the best ways to find resources for victims. Their hotline, (800) 799-7233, is open 24/7, has accounts for multiple languages through a translator, and has options of either speaking to someone on the phone, texting the hotline (text START to 88788), or having a live chat on their website. They have over 100+ local resources across the nation for survivors to get connected to.