Sexual Violence Against LGBTQ+ Communities

Content Notice: sexual violence, intimate partner violence, abuse towards LGBTQ+ communities

written by: Lauren Carrasco-Kyllönen, F2F Director of Programs

How Survivor Experiences Differ

Although LGBTQ+ survivors of sexual/intimate partner violence (SV/IPV) may face many of the same barriers and impacts as other survivors, there are also key differences that are important to recognize. Many LGBTQ+ communities are impacted by these types of violence at higher rates, often shockingly so. Their experiences are also frequently marked by homophobia, transphobia, or other forms of bias imposed by not only their perpetrators, but also the institutions and individuals who are meant to help them.

Yes #UsToo

Not only are LGBTQ+ survivors experiences often downplayed or ignored by straight/cis communities, but they may also face the very same from their own communities. Viewing SV/IPV as just straight or masc-femme issues is not only incorrect, but it’s also harmful. Writing off the violence LGBTQ+ survivors face as less than or irrelevant is isolating & leaves survivors without the support they deserve. Abuse is not tied to someone’s size, strength, gender, or orientation. Rewriting our biases to recognize that people of ALL gender identities, gender expressions, & sexual orientations are impacted is essential to ensuring no survivors are left behind.

statistics source: https://www.hrc.org/resources/sexual-assault-and-the-lgbt-community

Culture/Identity Abuse

The invisibility of violence against LGBTQ+ survivors and marginalization of these communities in society overall, are vulnerabilities that are exploited in additional ways.

Perpetrators (and others) may use aspects of the survivor’s connection to the LGBTQ+ community to target or harm them. Cultural/identity abuse occurs when abusers use aspects of a survivor's culture or identity to inflict suffering or exert control over them.

Check out the infographic to learn more about how this type of abuse may be weaponized against LGBTQ+ survivors.

Supporting Survivors

The impacts of SV/IPV can intersect with so many other forms of marginalization and discrimination faced by LGBTQ+ communities. As support people, it’s our responsibility to educate ourselves on these facts, recognize the unique challenges faced by the survivors in our lives, and work to become more compassionate & informed supporters. 

Here are a few resources to help you keep learning:

• Sexual Orientation and Gender Identity Terms and Definitions - New York City Anti-Violence Project

• LGBTQ Partner Abuse - The Network/La Red 

• LGBT Power and Control Wheel - New York City Anti-Violence Project

• Fast Facts about Violence Against Transgender People - FORGE

If you or someone you know is an LGBTQ+ survivor, it can be hard to know what people and places are safe to turn to when you need support. Not everyone will be understanding and compassionate. Harmful responses are all too common. It can feel like you’re all alone, but you’re not. There are LGBTQ+ affirming and culturally-competent support services out there. To help make the search a little easier, we’ve curated a list of some of these resources on our blog: “Support Services for LGBTQ+ Survivors”.

Sexual Abuse in the Foster Care System

CONTENT Notice: CHILD ABUSE & NEGLECT, SEXUAL VIOLENCE

written by: Shelly Averett, F2F Development Coordinator

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A note from the author: Before I begin, I want to emphasize that I am in no way an expert in this topic. I, just like many of you taking the time to read this blog, look to reputable sources for statistical and informative data that is non-leading and will allow me to reach my own conclusions. If you are like me, please feel free to click on the links provided in the Additional Resources section below to review the gathered information for yourself.

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In honor of National Foster Care Month and the work we do here at Fear 2 Freedom, join me in examining the epidemic of sexual abuse occurring within our foster care system. In 2020, it was reported that a total of 407,493 children and youth were living in foster care. Children ages 1-5 entered at the highest rate per age group while Black and American Indian populations continued to be overrepresented due to racial inequities throughout the U.S. welfare system. Based on current statistics, the median stay for children and youth in foster care has increased to nearly 16 months. For many, this experience will include two or more changes in their living arrangements within a given year (The Annie E. Casey Foundation, 2022).

The foster care system is meant to be a safe haven for children and youth experiencing maltreatment, abuse, and/or neglect. Unfortunately, studies show that many of these vulnerable individuals fall victim to sexual predators during their time within the system. Focus for Health provided the following staggering statistics:

• “A John Hopkins University study of a group of foster children in Maryland found that children in foster care are four times more likely to be sexually abused than their peers not in this setting, and children in group homes are 28 times more likely to be abused.

• An Oregon and Washington state study determined that almost one-third of foster children reported abuse by a foster parent or another adult in the home.”

Remember, sexual predators can be anyone. These individuals often use their position or relationship to the child or youth to manipulate or exploit them into unwanted sexual acts. Acts could include but are not limited to taking pictures, kissing, touching, groping and/or sexual penetration of an individual unable to provide legal consent. It is vital that we all understand and recognize both common sexual development actions and behaviors in children and youth as well as potential signs of sexual abuse to help prevent and protect this vulnerable population. In some instances, it may be difficult to distinguish if actions and behaviors are developmentally appropriate. Seek medical and/or professional guidance if you have questions or need assistance in determining and addressing these actions and behaviors.

Children and youth transition out of the foster care system for many reasons. We all hope and wish for them to be adopted into or returned to a safe and healthy family, but this is not always the case. In some cases, children and youth are reunited with their parents, extended family members or previous caregivers and returned to non-ideal circumstances. Others age out of the system without having a permanent and stable residency to go to. For some, their decision to leave means running away from their foster care placement. In many cases, trauma plays a significant role in the impact and direction these individuals take after leaving foster care.

Check out these key takeaways from The Annie E. Casey Foundation on youth transitioning out of foster care:

• “One in five report expe­ri­enc­ing home­less­ness between ages 17 and 19, and over one in four (29%) report being home­less from 19 to 21. Among Amer­i­can Indi­an young adults, the fig­ure jumps to almost half (43%) for ages 19 to 21.

• One in five report being incar­cer­at­ed between ages 17–19 and 19–21.

• One in 10 report hav­ing a child (i.e., giv­ing birth or father­ing a child) between ages 17–19, with near­ly one in four (23%) say­ing they became par­ents between 19–21.

• Just 57% report being employed (full- or part-time) at age 21, with this fig­ure rang­ing from 51% for Amer­i­can Indi­an young adults to 63% for Asian Americans.”

It is also important to recognize the vulnerability of the LGBTQIA+ community within the foster care system. According to Freedom Network USA, these individuals are more likely to run away from their foster care placements which increases their likelihood of being trafficked due to homelessness. They reference a 2016 study by Loyola University and the Modern Slavery Research Project where 19% of participants identified as LGBT survivors of human trafficking.

Traffickers often prey on these youths due to their need and/or desire for food, shelter, and companionship.

So, what do we do with all this data? This is a hard question to answer. The best way I know how to answer this is to encourage everyone to be more observant, become trauma-informed, and be vocal with your legislators on changes needed within our foster care system. You can take action by: 

• Paying Attention. Observe the actions and behaviors of those around you. You may be the only person who sees a cry for help, even if the person relays it unintentionally. 

• Becoming Trauma-informed. Learn how to meet the needs of the person as a whole and where they are in that current moment. Recognize and address the trauma faced by this individual and use this information to meet their needs without judgment or consequence. 

• Reaching Out. Call/write/email your local and state representatives to demand an investigation of safety measures within the foster care system. Focus for Health recommends changes that include “stricter screening of caregivers, a more extensive protocol to combat and investigate abuse claims, [and] a higher rate of prosecution for crimes committed in an institutional setting.” 

If we all answer this call for action, just image the positive impact we could make in sexual violence prevention within our foster care system. 

Additional Resources:

• Child Welfare and Foster Care Statistics

• Childhood Sexual Development

• Parenting a Child or Youth Who Has Been Sexually Abused: A Guide for Foster and Adoptive Parents

• Sexual Abuse: An Epidemic in Foster Care Settings?

• Sex Abuse and the Foster Care System

• Sexual Abuse of Children in the United States Foster Care System

• Sexual Behaviors in Young Children: What’s Normal, What’s Not?

• The Foster Care System and Human Trafficking

• Tip Sheet: Age-Appropriate Sexual Behavior

Survivor Stories: Honey Bear's Story

Content Notice: sexual violence, victim blaming, bullying

written by: Honey Bear* *a pseudonym

- All the names in this story have been changed -

Before the night

My friend Emily invited me out to celebrate a recent event in her and her partner's life. Initially I was not going to go because it just wasn't my scene. In the daytime there was a party that I helped set up. She had asked me again to please come! I told Emily I would be there. I wish I would have trusted my gut instincts.

When my husband dropped me off I was greeted by her group of friends who’d I seen earlier at the afternoon party. They were all mostly tipsy. My assaulter was a friend in their group, we will call him James. I didn’t know him very well but I knew some things that Emily told me. I did not hear great things about James.

The start of the night

I remember every detail of that night. We get to the first bar and I order myself drinks - mostly because I could not stand being this sober around this many drunk people. I ordered myself a total of 3 drinks, not that it really mattered.

Another guy in the group bought me my second drink. I knew him fairly well and he's always been super nice and funny. Cool - I felt absolutely fine and steady with the drinks I had had so far. I was loosening up a bit and felt less anxious.

The first signs

I remember James sitting far too close to me and I crept closer to the girls next to me. I leaned as far away from him as I could. Another guy noticed and asked one of the girls to move him and sit next to me because I was clearly uncomfortable. I felt I had given enough signs to show I was uncomfortable, however I am glad someone noticed and took action.

I remember early on feeling compassion for James. He seemed like a troubled guy and he reminded me a lot of an old friend I had years ago who passed away. I felt because James reminded me so much of someone I knew that I could understand him a little and be a friend to him. I thought I'd kept it friendly.

We went to the next club/bar and we were asked for drink orders after we paid for our entrance fee. James ordered me, himself and Dane drinks. I was like hmm okay fine, I'll have one. That was my last drink.

The assault

I am not much of a dancer so Emily and her friends were mostly out on the dance floor. I sat back at the booth. James sat with me. We talked and joked and stuff. It felt fairly normal.

I then went to the restroom. After returning, I am certain I took some sips of my drink. Which by the way.... please never leave your drink unattended of course. I filtered through the fact that maybe I could have been drugged. I do not know if it was because I remember pretty much my whole night. But I came to the conclusion that I most likely wasn't.

Suddenly, I remember leaning in the booth to rest for a bit. I felt tired. Which is a little odd because when I drink I'm usually energetic and giggly.

James was next to me and slid his hands under my sweater. I could feel his breath on me. I froze, I felt paralyzed. I felt as though a ghost of me was watching me from above.. telling me “get up, move!” Like how you feel in a dream. I couldn’t move. I laid there, frozen. I know he was touching underneath my sweater, my waist, my boobs. I don't recall if it got any further than that. I later found out that this is called Tonic Immobility and a lot of victims experience this.

Luckily, Emily’s friend Linda noticed. She called out my name and I looked up at her like I saw an angel in disbelief. She asked if I needed help, I couldn’t really talk but I remember nodding in fear. She grabbed me as I cried hysterically and she walked me around looking for Emily. We stopped at a bar area and Linda grabbed me some water. I am incredibly grateful for Linda to have been there that night and witnessed and saved me from what could have been a worse situation.

The end of the night

Emily was very much wasted, what appeared to be black out drunk. I thought Linda and I had told her but it must not have been communicated to her.

I spoke with other people in the group. I remember crying into Danes' shoulders. I knew what happened. I was crying for a reason. I had to remind myself that I wasn't just going crazy or imagining things.

We ended up outside of the club. I was still a bit hysterical, a girl outside the bar noticed - Lacey. She came up to me and asked if I was ok. I didn't know her but I think I told her yes, I'm ok. She insisted I add her on social media, and she asked me if I needed any help. Days after I got to speak to her.

She said "I can testify to you being in distress. I've never approached someone the way I approached you. It was a genuine concern. I told my friend I was worried about you too."

Wow, a stranger was so kind to me. She was worried about me that night and she made it a point to come up to me and I thank her so much for that.

The night sorta ended there, we all walked back to the cars once everyone was ready. I remember at one point James trying to walk near me and I said "No, get away from me" and I went on the opposite side of the sidewalk. During the walk to the car I called my husband, told him what happened. A girl in the group spoke to him. I remember her telling him "oh she's ok..." but don't really remember what else she said.

Getting home was a bit chaotic. Luckily James was not in the car I was in. My wonderful husband stayed awake. I just got ready for bed and the night was over. Linda texted me to let me know she was home safe and I texted back to let her know I was home safe as well.

The next morning I was filled with denial and calmness regarding what had happened. I needed to find a calm way to maneuver this because after all James is their friend. I only really knew Emily in the group. These were all her friends...

Why would anyone take my side? Why would anyone blame my abuser? I shouldn't make this a big deal, right?

Linda’s Messages

I messaged Linda, thanking her for last night.

In my message I said "I don't know if I was over dramatizing whatever was going on in that booth but I appreciate you being there and grabbing me"

Looking back... Why was I doubting myself? Why did I make excuses?

Linda messaged back giving me a bit more detail "I got to be superwoman last night and pulled you from a burning car"

This validated my experience. She also said looking back that she had wished she punched him in the face. What a super woman, my hero.

I asked Linda if she remembered where he was touching me. I told her I felt like it was my waist and boobs but wasn't sure if she had more information.

Linda replied "You were slumped over, almost like a nap. His right hand was on your lower back and going for your right pocket but I couldn't see his left hand sorry. Also an important note, you were total dead weight and very floppy."

I thanked her again for all the information she's given me and for being my hero. I told her that I remember that I was definitely feeling like dead weight and when I was slumped over I was frozen.

I gave Emily some time that day to recoup from that night. I called her with my main intention of bringing up what James did.

Looking back I thought:

Maybe it was how calm I was when I called her? Maybe it was the way I brushed off that he was drunk and so was I?

I told her he touched me but I was okay. Emily just sorta said something along the lines of oh wow. It was a brief call but I know I told her a less detailed version.

Jasmine’s Messages

I sat and stewed for a day, because I felt I had no support… it happened… I know it did. I had texts with Linda to prove it when she told me what she saw after. I reached out to another girl in the friend group - who was not there but I talked to her early the day of.

I reached back out to her and told her what happened. I just wanted someone to talk to, I also just wanted everyone to know what he did. I wanted it to be known. Jasmine was very supportive. I told her I have been trying to play it off as no big deal because he's everyone's friend but as days passed by, I felt no one cared to notice or check in on me. I realized, these weren't my friends.. They were Emily's and James' friends. I felt powerless, I felt like I needed to do things the right way and I needed to be very careful. Did I do things the right way?

Jasmine listened to me - told me what he did was not ok.

Finally, someone said it.

She said "he has absolutely no right to touch you in any way"

Thank you Jasmine, you made me feel safe and validated in these moments. She was upset, I thought: Finally, someone was upset so I could be upset too right? Jasmine offered to talk to James or at least Dane who could bring this up to James. Nothing really came out of that because Dane refused to do so and no one wanted to be involved.

Emily’s Messages

A couple days later I finally let Emily know the more detailed version.

I said "I don't think what happened over the weekend was OK at all. I've been processing things and…"

The next sentence - I acknowledge what I said was uncalled for and I did apologize for this.

"I don't think a good friend would've let this happen & then not address things with James or ask me if I am ok. I don't blame James, or really anyone, I'm more upset at the fact that I haven't had support from you after it all happened. I am not ok and I think I really need time to reassess our friendship and have some space from this dynamic"

I did blame James though, once I got past whatever compassion I thought I had for him.. i blamed him - I just didn't want his friends to know in fear that they'd dislike me

Her response felt less than sympathetic.

I didn't know what to say. I didn't mean to blame her, of course in the end I blame James. Was I allowed to blame him? Should I have approached Emily differently?

My next message I apologized and told her that I didn't mean to put any blame on her. I think in that sentence I meant it more like... after her finding out I guess I had hoped she'd say "Ok - whos ass do I gotta kick for you?" You know, something clear and supportive.

She asked me to please tell her what happened. So I did. That was the first time I finally recognized what happened to me as Sexual Assault.

I said "James Sexually assaulted me and touched me. I was in the booth slouched over and he was touching my upper body and boobs and waist. I could not move but my mind was awake. Linda saved me and grabbed me and I was in shock."

She finally responded in a somewhat empathetic way - "I am so sorry. I'm glad Linda helped you, I don't even know what to say. I hope you know I wouldn't ever let that just slide"

I thought, What does that mean? I guess I could have asked her, “Well are you going to do something about it?” Did I expect her to do something?

Told her I am dropping out of this toxic friend dynamic. I made it very clear that I do not put any blame at all on her. I made my decision, I could not face these people, my abuser or anyone else that chose not to believe me.

Her response was "Honestly, I don't want to be rude or mean. But for you to do this to me right now?" I don't think it's beneficial to get into her response because it wasn’t good.

If you're always giving and giving in a friendship and not really getting anything in return - Is it worth it? Do we want friends that don't believe us? Do we want friends that make themselves out to be the victims?

She asked me why I told Jasmine what happened.

At that moment, I felt like I could not catch a break. I felt the bigger issue at hand was not being addressed and I had to now explain myself for telling other people about what happened to me - which I had every right to do so.

I said "I wanted to bring more awareness to it and Jasmine was willing to speak to Dane to confront James"

Emily replied "Jasmine is going to confront James? She wasn't even there. That seems so random to me that you brought her into it"

I remember this moment.. I lost it. I truly felt crazy. I didn't know what Emily wanted from me, I didn't know what she wanted me to say.

She insisted "I'm trying to help you and understand what you went through, if you want to get rude and offended by that it shows you don't know me"

I felt guilty. I felt like I wasn't allowed to feel how I felt. I felt like she kept saying she wouldn't let this slide, that she wants to help but nothing she was saying was really helping.

I was getting flack for telling someone that wasn't there. I was in trouble for that. I just wanted to tell my side. I just wanted someone to listen. There was no explaining myself out of this, because me telling someone else was wrong in her eyes.

Emily said "I'm confused and upset because everyone I've asked about it has said something different".

The moment my story wasn’t believed

I immediately called her because my heart dropped. I asked her "What do you mean everyone has said something different?"

This. This was the moment I felt my world crashing all around me. The moment I realized why SA victims do not speak up. Why SA victims feel silenced. The moment I truly started questioning myself and my sanity.

Emily told me peoples stories were different from what happened to me. I asked her "But did you speak to Linda? She saved me that night. What did she say?"

I guess Linda said I was leaning against James.

Did that little detail change everything for Emily? Did me leaning on him mean I did not suffer unwanted touching?

How I felt

I hit a dead end. It was their words against mine. I felt doubt rising but I luckily had other people around me who listened, who instilled resilience in me, who reminded me how strong I am. I believe in myself, my husband believes me, the people who care about me believe me - that has to be enough.. right?

Later that week, I decided to file a police report. I wanted to do everything in my power to get justice. To at least get my story out and give myself a peace of mind knowing I tried all I could.

It's hard to speak out because at times I think to myself:

Well, what happened to me wasn't that bad. People go through way worse than what happened to me

But - I needed to do everything I could in case this happened to anyone else. Maybe I could help someone else. Maybe I could make a difference.

The last phone call I had with Emily, she cried. I cried the last few days and the stage I was at at that point was anger.

Anger that no one believed me.

Anger that in a sense they believed James and whoever else who told their story.

Emily didn't ever tell me she believed me, she told me she didn't not believe me. She said she didn't want to belittle me, but she did. She minimized what I went through.

Talking to her, there was nothing I could say or do to be heard. The damage was done and this chapter of my life was officially closed.

What I wished would have happened

Prior to that phone call, I did tag Emily in a couple SA videos on social media.

Emily's fiancé texted my husband to tell me to stop harassing her and ruining her life. I made it very clear to her that she was not at fault, she had no blame. Truly, it comes down to how a friend responds to you.

How I wished she responded:

"I am so sorry that happened to you"

"I believe you"

"I am going to address this immediately"

"I am going to do XYZ to help you in anyway i can"

"This was not OK"

How I wish I'd responded:

"None of this was your fault, it was my abusers"

Moving forward

Part of me wishes I'd stayed silent. Maybe it would have been easier for me to live with it if that meant I could still have Emily in my life. But, things happened the way they had to. I realized a lot about what I want in a friend and that I deserve people who believe my truth, who would be an ally to me.

I could go back and forth in my head about all the things I could have done differently. I know at the end of the day I learned a big lesson. I have no resentment for Emily or anyone else in her friend group (Except for James). I am moving forward knowing I did what I could and If this ever happens to anyone else in my life, I know exactly what to say to be there for them and I will always believe the victims story. I don't drink anymore, I'm not sure when or if I ever will unless it's a drink at dinner. I have already been in therapy the past couple years so I continue to use my sessions to discuss my experience and it has helped so much with my anxiety and determining what type of friends I want in the future.

Thank you for listening to my story.

The Dichotomy of Solidarity: Why “You’re Not Alone” can be both empowering and painful

Content Notice: Sexual violence

written by: Teagan Mauck, F2F Fall 2021 Programs Intern

Surviving sexual trauma and/or intimate partner violence can be an isolating and traumatizing experience. It is a well-documented fact that only about 30% of sexual assaults are reported, and less than 3% of those convicted will be incarcerated. 25% of survivors who chose not to report their assault cite reasons such as “believed the police would not do anything to help” and “believed it was not important enough to report.” Rape culture plays a part in normalizing sexual violence, and prevents survivors from speaking out. To combat this, more and more spaces have been created for survivors to come forward with their experiences, from the viral social media campaigns #WhyIDidntReport surrounding Dr. Christine Blasey Ford and #MeToo, to anonymous forums which allow survivors to share their story without fear. Although this is an empowering display of solidarity which can help some survivors feel like they're not alone in their experiences, it can be incredibly overwhelming and emotionally complex for other survivors.

Creating an environment of support and solidarity actively combats isolation, guilt, and shame surrounding sexual violence. Hearing about others’ experiences and fully realizing the extent of sexual violence and empathizing with the countless people with shared experiences is painful and possibly triggering for survivors. The power of both/and thinking means that these statements can exist simultaneously, and validate multiple experiences. Despite this, there are still many benefits to sharing. The more people share, the more awareness is brought to just how widespread of a problem this is, and the stigma surrounding reporting becomes less prevalent in today’s society. With this dialogue comes complex, not talked about, “ugly” emotions that can create an environment of shame and isolation all over again. Bringing awareness to the entire range of emotions that a trauma survivor can feel is crucial to creating spaces that are safe and protected.

The shame that I have personally experienced, from the pain and numbness of not being believed for years, to the absolutely soul-crushing realization that other people had to go through what I have gone through, has given me some perspective on how to navigate these emotions. Here are some things to keep in mind:

Your emotions are valid

Common emotions of survivors of sexual assault include guilt, shame, and self-blame. However, this is not an exhaustive list, and it is okay to feel the way that you do. It’s important to acknowledge and validate any feelings you have, so that then you can effectively work through them instead of suppressing them and making them worse. As an example, finding relief that you are not the only one to experience sexual violence may feel like an “unacceptable” emotion to feel, but noticing and validating said emotions is crucial in the healing process.

Remember that although similar, their story is not your own

I have the unique experience of being close friends with another survivor from the same perpetrator, and although our stories share similarities, it was incredibly difficult for me not to give unsolicited advice surrounding healing from the actions of a specific person. It can be hard to resist the perceived need to help other survivors overcome their experiences, but it’s important to remember that, although they may benefit from some of the same tools, their story and their healing path are not identical to yours.

It’s okay to remove yourself from the triggering situation

Social media is inundated with sexual violence discourse, campaigns, and awareness, from highly publicized allegations to viral protests at universities. You do not have to participate in activism or attach your story to a public hashtag to validate your experiences, nor to speak on behalf of every survivor. You are allowed to remove yourself from any triggering situation, whether it be Instagram or a university lecture.

Tis the Season of Holiday Stress, Anxiety, and Depression

Written by: January Serda, F2F Chief Operating Officer

My life is full of responsibilities, a to-do list that never seems to end, and many people leaning on me for support in all forms. During the holidays, these all amplify unwanted guests like stress, anxiety and depression. Every holiday comes with so many more demands like shopping, cooking, entertaining, cleaning - the list doesn’t end!  In addition, the COVID19 pandemic stress and impact on our emotional and mental health has only exacerbated my level of stress, anxiety and depression as the holidays approach. This will be our second COVID19 Christmas holiday, and some of us will not be able to see our family members another year. Not to mention since COVID19, many of us have lost loved ones and the holidays just do not feel the same anymore. Nothing feels “normal”. Even Christmas. 

In true Fear 2 Freedom spirit, I remember my resilience. I dig deep to harness as much strength as possible to exercise a few tools that work for me when managing these unhealthy emotions. It’s not always so simple to do, and actually very challenging to stop and regroup when stress is at its peak. It’s easier said than done to try to prevent stress and depression in the first place, especially if the holidays are overall tough for us normally. 

Here are a few tips that work well for me this time of year:

• Acknowledging my feelings. Really honoring how I feel with no shame, guilt, or need to justify it. Realizing it's normal to feel sadness, grief, anger, frustration, fear, or whatever emotion takes over you when thinking about whatever is on your mind is important so you allow yourself the space to feel what you feel. Give yourself grace! It is okay to take time to cry or express your feelings. I can't force myself to be happy just because it's the holiday season. And that’s okay. 

• Reaching out. When I feel lonely or isolated, I seek out social events or community functions. There are many websites, online support groups, social media sites or virtual events that can offer support and companionship. When my anxiety is high, I seek out a close, trusting friend or family member. Sometimes I only reach out with a text when my anxiety is overwhelming, but I still reach out and it totally helps pull me out of my feelings of loneliness and isolation. Find the right support networks for you - we all need something different - just please reach out & know that you are not alone. 

• Volunteering my time. Service to others and my community is very important to me. When I help others, it lifts my spirits and connects me to more people and friendships. Even something as simple as dropping off a meal at a friend's home who may be alone during the holidays. Other ideas like joining a community group to serve holiday meals to homeless families, or donating gifts for children in need are in high demand during the holiday season. Give it a try and see how serving others can encourage and lift you up! 

• Being realistic. Oh this one has been a struggle for me! I am a recovering perfectionist and people pleaser. The holidays always amplified my need to be perfect and have everything perfect. That is simply absurd and ridiculous, unhealthy pressure to place on ourselves. I remind myself that nothing has to be perfect. As our lives change and evolve, families change and grow, traditions and rituals will often change as well. I choose a few to hold on to, and mindfully allow myself to be open to creating new ones. 

• Setting aside differences. It has been a real journey for me to accept family members and friends as they are. Most people in our lives will not live up to our expectations, and that’s okay. Learning to set expectations aside and being more understanding and compassionate truly releases us from the stress, anxiety and depression challenging people we love tend to emerge in us. On the other hand, toxic, abusive family members and friends are completely okay to love from a distance.  We need to know our limits and boundaries, and healthy boundaries while setting aside differences is a must. I have found that keeping a perspective that chances are they too are feeling the effects of holiday stress and depression, allows me to be more kind and accepting. We are all doing the best we can.  

• Sticking to a budget. Oh this is very, very challenging during the holidays! There are so many cool things to buy and so many people we want to buy them for. Just say no! Do what you can with what you have. I have started to first evaluate how much money I have to spend, then I do my gift and food shopping. This helps me stick to my budget, because I can get very stressed when it comes to money. No more trying to buy happiness with an avalanche of gifts. I am not about that life anymore! 

Despite my best efforts, sometimes none of this works, and I find myself feeling anxious, sad, irritable, unable to sleep, and unmotivated to face routine responsibilities. When these feelings linger for a while, I make sure to seek professional help. I talk to my doctor or mental health professional. These days, most health insurance plans give us a tele-health appointment option and there is a mental health professional available 24 hours a day via a phone call or video chat. Other times, these tips work great and I end up managing all the stress, anxiety and onset of any depression by simply taking a walk at night and stargazing, listening to music I enjoy, or taking a time out to read a book. 

Please join me in taking control of the holidays this year. Make a pinky-promise that we will do our best to not let this holiday become something we dread. Together, let’s mindfully take steps to prevent the stress, anxiety and depression that can set in during the holidays. Learn with me to recognize our holiday triggers. For example mine are financial pressures and personal demands, and learning these are my holiday triggers allows me to combat them before they lead to a meltdown. I can write an entire blog post on my past meltdowns, let me tell ya! With a little planning, discipline and some positive thinking, we can find peace and maybe that festive joy the holidays are meant to bring. 

This was a year I didn’t get the Christmas tree until literally 3 days before Christmas because it was such a busy December. I remember feeling so stressed and guilty for not having a tree up by a specific date which was simply ridiculous self-imposed stressed. From our faces you can see we still managed to capture the holiday joy - no matter how late we put the tree up!

Living in Hampton Roads, no Christmas holiday is complete without a visit to Busch Gardens for their immaculate display of holiday lights and music. This was an annual tradition for my boys and time I deeply cherished. Once they both became teenagers, they wouldn’t be caught dead at Busch Gardens with their mom. Needless to say, I was forced to find a new annual tradition.

Proof of the avalanche of gifts every year. Fast forward to today, there might be 3 gifts each under the tree. Kids get more expensive as they grow, so limits on gifts is a good thing. I am notorious for wrapping up batteries and toothpaste - Merry Christmas!

All grown up! Traditions during the holidays definately have evolved and changed. Kids grow up, create their own holiday memories, and it’s all a part of this beautiful, messy, everchanging life. The one thing that never changes is my unconditional love for my boys & anytime, regardless what holiday or time of year, I can share with them.

My advice to all parents out there, evolve with your kids. Grow. Try new things and adventures together. Find what you all like to do with no expectations or pressures. My boys & I may not visit Busch Gardens holiday lights anymore but we have created new, fun things to do together during the joyful holiday season.

Happy Holidays everyone! Remember to mindfully let all the pressure of the holidays go, and give yourself grace as you need it to make it a memorable time of year for you and yours.

How Child Abuse Impacts Mental Health

written by: Brooke Wallace, F2F Fall 2021 Intern

As someone who is deeply interested in psychology and working with children, it is important to me that people truly understand the roots of mental health and how to maintain one’s mental health. The term “mental hygiene” has been around since the mid-1800s when society began to notice the toll the Civil War was taking on people. Today, there is not as much of a stigma around mental health, as most people deal with some sort of mental illness. Back in the 1800s, mental illness was thought of as an exaggeration, along with many other things. Today, there are recognized illnesses and treatment plans to help people overcome their mental health obstacles.

The reason that I mentioned I enjoy working with children is because I hope to be a guidance counselor once I graduate from college. Taking the psychology route through college has opened my eyes to noticing mental disorders and understanding that they are in just about everyone. In my lifetime, I hope to help children who suffer from mental illnesses and disorders. I mainly want to help them notice that it is okay and that they are not weird or different for having those problems. The most common mental disorders in U.S. children are ADHD, anxiety, depression, and behavior problems. Over 3% of children between the ages of 2 to 17 have been diagnosed with depression in the U.S. While this may not seem like a lot, it is approximately 2 million children. The rates for depression and anxiety within children have increased over time. In 2003, 5.4% of children said they had been diagnosed with either anxiety or depression and in 2012, it was at 8.4%. Between the ages of 2 to 8, ⅙ children suffer from a mental, behavioral, or developmental disorder.

Now, what does abuse have to do with this? Every year, more than 6.6 million children are referred to child protective services for child abuse and/or negligence. In one study, 80% of 21-year-olds who had reported experiencing childhood abuse met the criteria for at least one mental disorder. Every day, at least four children sadly die as a result of abuse or neglect. Another study recorded that abused children are four times more likely to develop a mental illness than a non-abused child. These heartbreaking statistics are a real eye-opener into what happens beyond the front door of a household. It is so important that we as human beings protect the little lives that will one day walk in our shoes. If I have learned anything in my psychology classes, it is always important to listen and adjust to different behaviors and situations. Knowing the signs of child abuse and knowing how to act appropriately and accordingly could save a child’s life.

The Washington State Department of Children, Youth, and Families put out a report of ten ways that YOU can help to prevent child abuse:

1. Volunteer your time

Get involved within your community and other communities to help spread awareness and help vulnerable children and their families.

2. Discipline your children thoughtfully

When it comes to disciplining your child, it is important to look at HOW you are doing and HOW it will affect your child. Yelling at the top of your lungs for an extended period of time and/or laying a hand on the child, WILL NOT work. This will only make things worse for you and for your child. Make sure to encourage the good behavior your child shows and to listen to their problems when they’re exhibiting bad behavior.

3. Examine your own behavior

Remember, abuse is not only physical, it is also mental. The phrase “actions speak louder than words” is invalid in this case because children WILL remember those hurtful words for the longest time. These words will haunt them and make them overthink to the point where they think they caused this to happen to themselves. Another thing to think about is that some actions are replicated, so if you do something to your child, there is a chance that they will replicate those actions onto someone else.

4. Educate yourself and others

The best way to prevent child abuse is to educate yourself and others, which could be through fundraising and/or spreading awareness. There are hundreds of resources out there for any parent to learn from and so many support groups that help you know that you are not alone and that want to help you.

5. Teach children their rights

This stems back from what I said earlier where children replicate with learning. When children are taught what is right and wrong, that they are special and worthy, and that they have the right to feel safe, they are less likely to think abuse is their fault. It is so important that we set a good example for our own children and others. When children understand that they are in a bad situation, your lessons to them will help guide them out towards safety.

6. Support prevention programs

Prevention programs are created to help prevent, stop, and intervene in abuse situations. Helping these programs run, will only help more and more children escape those bad situations.

7. Know what child abuse is

Knowing the signs and understanding what an abused child is going through is key in helping them with their recovery process. Know that it is NEVER the child’s fault. No form of abuse is EVER the victim’s fault and it is so important that they understand this. Abuse can stay with the survivor for the rest of their life, so know that it is okay if mental health struggles resurface even years after the event occurred.

8. Know the signs

As stated above, it is key to know the signs of child abuse, both mentally and physically. Some signs are visible, like scars, bruises, and poor hygiene, but some are invisible, like a change in sleeping or eating patterns.

9. Report abuse

Report, report, report! A child almost always has no say, so make sure that they have a voice, even if it is not through you. The important thing to do is to make sure that they are in a supporting and loving environment. After reporting, make sure that the child knows and understands that they have done nothing wrong. Like mentioned before, the child did not ask for that to happen to them and legally they couldn’t give consent.

10. Invest in kids

Encourage everyone to be supportive of children and families. Have others learn the signs and what they can do to help too. Many employers have family-friendly work environments, so make use of this feature. You can also send letters to government officials to help support legislation that works to improve the lives of children.

Ways to help with children’s mental health is very similar to the ways to help abused children. Lastly, I just want to say that everyone should aim to provide children with the best possible life they can have. Everyone parents differently, but they should all be looking out for their child’s best interests.

For more information on understanding and addressing child abuse, you can contact the Childhelp National Child Abuse Hotline 24/7 at 1-800-422-4453.

Adverse Childhood Experiences (ACEs): What are they and what can they tell us?

written by: Shelly Averett, F2F Development Assistant

Have you ever wondered why things happen in your mind and body throughout your life? All things spiritual aside, I’m talking about the underlying biological and neurological effects accumulated from your birth to the present day. Most people associate these outcomes, either negatively or positively, to mere human actions such as diet and exercise. What if I told you that those actions don’t even begin to scratch the surface on underlying root causes? In order to better understand the whole picture, we must first dive deep into what shaped us into the adults we have become. More specifically, we must look at what experiences we endured during our adolescent years (birth to 17 years). It was during this time period when we were at our most vulnerable and any Adverse Childhood Experiences (ACEs) would have occurred. 

What are ACEs?

To get a clearer picture, let's start with a definition of ACEs. According to the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC), ACEs are potentially traumatic events that happen in one’s lifetime before the age of eighteen. Some examples include: experiencing child abuse and/or childhood sexual assualt, being neglected by one’s parents or support system, witnessing violence in one’s home or community, witnessing substance abuse, or facing instability due to parental incarceration. Keep in mind, this is just a sample list and does not outline all potential traumas faced by adolescents all over the United States. 

What is the ACE Study?

The CDC-Kaiser Permanente Adverse Childhood Experiences (ACE) Study was a confidential survey conducted between 1995-1997 in Southern California in over 17,000 participants. Participants in the survey were asked questions related to their childhood (i.e. experiences) as well as adulthood (i.e. health status and current behaviors/responses to situations). Throughout the findings, ten types of childhood traumas were identified as most common: physical abuse, verbal abuse, sexual abuse, physical neglect, emotional neglect, alcoholic parent, child of a domestic abuse victim, family member incarcerated, family member with mental health diagnosis, and coming from a divorced home. Using these commonalities, the ACE Study was adapted to ten questions where participants are scored one point for every yes answer to a question. The total sum is one’s ACE score. 

In the original study, more than two-thirds of the participants had at least one as their final score. As the score increases, so does the participant’s risk for physical ailment such as chronic disease as well as their potential for social and emotional distress (i.e. anxiety and depression). For participants with scores of 4 or more, the “likelihood of chronic pulmonary lung disease increases 390 percent; hepatitis, 240 percent; depression 460 percent; attempted suicide, 1,220 percent” (Aces Too High News).

Want to get your ACE Score? Click Here

What are the impacts?

The negative effects of ACEs can be seen during both childhood and adulthood. Children from underserved, racially segmented, or food scarce communities tend to have higher rates of ACEs. These children have a more difficult time forming safe and healthy relationships with other children and adults in their lives. According to the CDC, the toxic stress associated with ACEs can also hinder these children by limiting their ability to focus, retain learned information, or process and respond to stress without transitioning into flight or fight mode. As children age into adulthood, the effects of ACEs present differently. Chronic disease, chronic mental health disorders, substance abuse, and risky sexual behavior are all more likely in adults with higher ACE scores. Additionally, adults with higher ACE scores can experience financial instability due to mental health struggles and/or poor work histories. 

Image by Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (https://www.cdc.gov/violenceprevention/aces/about.html)

How can we use this information?

The ACE Study is meant to be a guide in identifying and addressing root cause issues in behavior, development, and physical ailment whether in children or adults. In fact, ACES are indeed preventable in children and surmountable in adults. According to the CDC, creation and sustainability of safe, nurturing environments for children is key to the prevention of ACES and their ability to thrive. We must also welcome and encourage our parents to ask questions of their caregivers, seek advice from professionals, and pursue medical guidance for concerns without fear of repercussions or stigmatization. For adults, it’s a bit more challenging. It’s about being open to the knowledge of how your experiences shaped the opportunities you had in particular moments of your life while understanding and owning the power of your own resiliency. We can all help adults overcome their ACEs by standing up for, encouraging and destigmatizing seeking help for mental illness and/or substance abuse. We have the ability as a society to help prevent undue physical, emotional and social distress caused by adverse childhood experiences.

Additional Resources:

• Centers for Disease Control and Prevention: Adverse Childhood Experiences (ACEs)

• ACES TOO HIGH News: What ACEs/PCEs do you have?

• Centers for Disease Control and Prevention: About the CDC-Kaiser ACE Study

• National Conference of State Legislators: Adverse Childhood Experiences

• Child Trends: The prevalence of adverse childhood experiences, nationally, by state, and by race or ethnicity

• Dr. Nadine Burke-Harris Ted Talk: How childhood trauma affects health across a lifetime

COVID's Impact On SV and DV

By: Ian Doty, Spring 2021 Grant Intern

When COVID-19 struck many around the world thought it would pass rather quickly. Remembering Swine and Bird Flu, many pondered: “A pandemic? Today? This isn’t the middle ages!”. Sadly, COVID-19 silently creeped its way around the globe, moving swiftly from country to country until eventually ending up in the United States. Soon hospitals were filled, family members and friends got sick, and many around the nation lost their jobs. The country was placed on lockdown, masks were mandated, and social distancing kept us apart. Many staying home for months on end. Countries around the world followed suit, this pandemic has been so impactful that the world economy faced the largest recession since the Great Depression… many now at home, without a source of income, and in close proximity.

COVID-19 is the main pandemic, the one we see on our television screens and the one we see online, as the numbers counting the total sick and dead from this terrible virus continue to grow. It has resulted in 30 million in the United States losing their jobs and turmoil in family life. However, another virus came as an unfortunate byproduct of the precautions meant to make people safe from this disease: sexual and domestic violence.

Domestic violence against women rose a staggering 25% worldwide… in every country, city, and town. A report from Harvard Medical School found that in March 2020, minors made up half of the calls to the National Sexual Assault Hotline and RAINN hotline for the first time ever. Furthermore, the National Sexual Assault Hotline saw a general increase of calls by 40% above average. Of minors who reported coronavirus-related concerns, 67% identified their perpetrator as a family member, and 79% said they were living with that perpetrator. This is unsurprising, as approximately 80% of sexual assaults are committed by someone known to the victim. With the high stress the pandemic has placed on society it is sad to see a rise in cases due to such close proximity.

This poses an astronomical challenge for those fighting sexual abuse. The fact that the most vulnerable in our society became some of the most impacted is devastating.

Currently in the United States someone is sexually assaulted every 73 seconds, and it is presumed rates of reporting have decreased while rates of sexual violence have risen. For example, forensic nurse examiners in Washington D.C. performed only 24 forensic exams in March of 2020, a 43% decrease from March 2019. Yet in Fear 2 Freedom’s home state of Virginia there has been a 76% increase in calls, texts, and chats to the statewide hotline. 46% of Virginia agencies reported increasing demands for services and 87% of Virginia agencies reported “significant shifts'' in staffing to help survivors in need. The impact of COVID has not only affected survivors but also those who work tirelessly to stem the flow of unnecessary violence. Most sexual violence counseling providers and shelters had to reduce or cancel some of their services due to the strain the pandemic caused, despite domestic violence organizations seeing an increase in need for sexual violence counseling. For those who feel unable to seek help because of the proximity to their abuser, the lifting of restrictions should see a turnaround in the number of reported cases.

The reason behind this decrease in reporting is multi-faceted, but fear of going to the hospital and facing retribution is likely a large contributor. With this information in mind, we should all batten down the hatches and prepare for the aftermath that this pandemic has caused and stand together to help everyone in need when they come for help. It will not be easy for anyone involved: the nurses, the counselors, the volunteers, and most certainly not the victims; but we all must do our part in the days ahead for a better and brighter future.

From Shadow to Light

By: Barbara Clarke

“Maybe you have to know the darkness before you can appreciate the light.” - Madeline L’Engle

I consider myself one of the lucky ones: Not only did I recover a long-buried memory, but I received great help from a therapist to do so. The challenge, however, was that after almost 50 years, believing in myself and the memory felt like the top of a mountain I was ill-prepared to climb.

How could I be sure I wasn’t making up the childhood incident of abuse from my father? What took me so long to tell after being sworn to silence at the age of six? Where was this memory hiding all those years? And why tell it now? All these questions were with me for months of therapy, stretching into more than a year.

In 1998, just as I was seeking help and recalling the one memory I did have, the “false memory syndrome” appeared on the scene. Books and articles were circulating at the very time women were coming forward with stories of trauma and abuse. Going public was encouraged by survivors who were brave enough to lead the way, writing and speaking about what had happened to them. While at the same time, critics of memoirs — and there were many disturbing stories to read — were telling women to keep their “dirty little secrets” to themselves. Suddenly some people were more sympathetic to the accused abuser than they were to their victims.

Of course, much later, the #MeToo Movement heightened awareness, but the same doubts were applied — often depending on who was involved. More than two decades after I shared my story of abuse with someone, what happened to me is still continuing. The questioning of women and some men: Why did they want to tell? Was it out of revenge or seeking justice? Are they looking for sympathy or a day in court of a financial settlement?

My answer is simple: Until what happened to you is given the light of day, the memory is always casting a very dark shadow. And once you’ve told at least one person, you start to reclaim your life. The one you’re willing to do the work to reclaim.

When I sought psychotherapy in 1989 — specifically hypnotherapy — long-held physical sensations of a certain smell and touch by my father were my guide in the beginning. “Trust the authority of your senses,” my therapist said on my first session with her. I was still without specific information, but those few words held me together for the first weeks of the emotional work that lay ahead. Once I recalled the memory — only a single event was all I ever uncovered — the challenges began.

Some sessions that focused on the betrayal of a child by a parent were so heartbreaking that I had to sit in my car and collect myself before I felt safe to drive. The sessions where we talked about my feelings of shame and questioned whether I had brought it on by loving my father were equally awful. Only my therapist’s reminder not to “confuse a little girl’s love for a parent with thinking I seduced him” allowed me to keep going. “This is abuse, without penetration in your case, and the act of a disturbed man who sadly was your father.” Her straight talk, even said in a gentle way, was hard to hear and absorb enough to make her words mine.

I described having “hate rushes” when I thought not about the event but about his skillful way of silencing me at age six; stealing my innocence; making it so difficult to trust men; not able to achieve real intimacy that I had dreamed of with a partner. All of these felt like stepping into quicksand when all I wanted to do was go out for a pleasant walk. Dreams of vulnerability — with an ex-husband, a boss at work, or someone outside my bedroom door — would make a wreck of a night’s peace.

“This is a long process” my therapist reminded me more than once. “Your goal of understanding may take up some part of the rest of your life.” I remember feeling at times that I was living in a high-speed world, where “you have to move on,” was practically a mantra. Not so fast, I learned, and can still have one of those rushes. Now I know to give them space, take a breath, see them for what they are — that there is still recovery to be done.

Eventually I felt a shift after about six months of weekly and then bi-weekly sessions. I can picture the first time we laughed in my therapist’s office, the sunlight streaming in through the window as though the worst was over and a kind of liberation was within my reach.

My father died before I knew for sure exactly what had happened. Now I know that at such a young age and in the era of my childhood, there were no words in my vocabulary for the secret I was told to keep. Because the body knows even when the mind can’t tolerate the information.

I offered him a way to apologize. I honestly didn’t know for what precisely, just that I knew in my heart and gut that he needed to give me at least an “I’m sorry.” Standing at his bedside, he didn’t — or couldn’t — and died shortly after my visit. I was estranged from both of my parents at the time and dreaded dealing with the dilemma of, “Tell my mother or don’t tell her?” as my therapy was drawing to a close.

Other than writing a memoir about my family that included the abuse, I wanted to bring my secret home, where it belonged. If, when I was teenager, my mother had observed my father’s kisses on my cheek that lasted too long or saw me wipe them off with my sleeve, she never said. He was four things in my mind as an adult: creepy (those kisses), a weak man who retreated into a manipulative silence, a man who never admitted to anything and, in a real way, someone who had also betrayed my mother. He broke her heart too.

When I decided that I was strong enough and could survive if my mother didn’t believe me, I spent three days with her. Her response was mixed: She never questioned my story but focused on how awful “it was to be married to that man.” I was grateful to her then and now several years after her death that she believed me. I never pursued whether she had seen something or had a hunch about him. I never brought it up again — only that one afternoon sitting on her deck. She never mentioned it again either. Once felt like enough for both of us for different reasons. But when she went into the house to get us a glass of wine and the sun came out and poured down on me, I felt acknowledged for my bravery.

Needless to say that when I called my therapist to tell her the good news, she was delighted. And when I put the phone down, I was the happiest I’d ever been — except when my two daughters were placed in my arms after giving birth.

About Barbara Clarke

At the age of seven, witnessing a frightening incident between her parents, Barbara spent much of her childhood toggling between the happy family she longed for and the unhappy one she couldn’t repair. Disturbed by the smell of rotting leaves and a feeling about her father, she spent half her life hoping to get to the bottom of why. In the ensuring years, a summer in Africa allowed her to live without labels — wife, mother, daughter, sister — and become the woman she wanted to be — funny, compassionate, complex, and often flawed. The Red Kitchen is the story of many women like Barbara, and her mother, who surrender to society’s expectation to be one thing but yearn to be another. Both women —in very different ways — come of age together, finding the best parts of their mother-daughter relationship and living their best lives. You can find out more about her varied career as a writer, where to buy her book, and read her blog at www.barbaraclarke.net.

Mental Health Support for AAPI Survivors

By Lauren Carrasco-Kyllönen, Director of Programs

It has been over a year since the pandemic began and although we’re starting to see the horizon, many are still facing the same persistent challenges. For Asian American and Pacific Islander (AAPI) communities these challenges are especially troubling. Since the start of the COVID-19 outbreak, rates of hate crimes against AAPI communities have exploded (sources: here, here). As individuals in these communities are all too aware, there is a legacy of AAPI violence and discrimination in our country. So even with the end of the pandemic coming into focus, these issues won’t go away with it. For AAPI survivors of sexual violence, grapling with the devastating recent events as well as the historical trauma of their communities, on top of their SV trauma can be extremely complex, exhausting, and overwhelming. 

To be fully heard and understood, in all the ways trauma affects your experiences, is essential. To AAPI survivors going through it right now, you deserve that level of support and so much more. Hopefully these culturally relevant resources can provide some much needed support and healing through these incredibly challenging times. 

Finding A Therapist

Inclusive Therapists

“Inclusive Therapists offers a safer, simpler way to find a culturally responsive, social justice-oriented therapist.”

National Queer and Trans Therapists of Color Network

“NQTTCN is a healing justice organization committed to transforming mental health for queer and trans people of color (QTPoC).”

Asian Mental Health Collective

“AMHC aspires to make mental health easily available, approachable, and accessible to Asian communities worldwide.” Their website also includes an Asian, Pacific Islander, and South Asian American therapist directory.

Mental Health Support

Asian & Pacific Islander American Health Forum

“APIAHF is dedicated to improving the health and well-being of more than 20 million AAs and NHPIs living in the United States and its jurisdictions.” They also offer a community care package.

Asian American Psychological Association

“Advance the mental health and well-being of Asian American communities through research, professional practice, education, and policy.”

Asians Do therapy

“My hope is that in highlighting Asian people’s experience in therapy and as therapists and sharing culturally relevant information, more Asians and Asian Americans will seek therapy as a resource, available and meant for us.⁣⁣⁣”

Womankind

Womankind works with survivors of gender-based violence to rise above trauma and build a path to healing. We bring critical resources and deep cultural competency to help Asian communities find refuge, recovery, and renewal.

The Cosmos

“creating spaces for Asian women to care for themselves, their community and their world.”

Social Justice

Stop AAPI Hate

“The center tracks and responds to incidents of hate, violence, harassment, discrimination, shunning, and child bullying against Asian Americans and Pacific Islanders in the United States.”

AAPI Women Lead

“Our goal is to challenge and help end the intersections of violence against and within our communities.”

Asian American Legal Defense and Education Fund

“protects and promotes the civil rights of Asian Americans.”

Other Resources

Self-Care Tips For Asian Americans Dealing With Racism Amid Coronavirus

Tender, Loving Self-Care for Asian Americans

Breaking Therapy Stigmas

Bystander intervention meets community care: How to respond to anti-Asian hate

Surviving Racism Amidst Covid-19

Stay Proud: Being Asian American Is a Good Thing

The Psychology of Radical Healing

Digital Consent

By Madison Laughlin

Consent, in simple terms, is the agreement to do something. Growing up many of us were told, rightfully so, that consent is the most important part in any kind of relationship. To give some perspective and visual aid to the topic of consent, this video helped me in my understanding - Click HERE to watch video. When I think of consent, I relate it to this video because if a person doesn’t want tea for any given reason at any given point in time, why would the same not apply to any kind of sexual activities?

Moving into a highly social and digital age, even before the spread of COVID-19, interactions with other people were decreasing with the rise of online dating and social media. Now the worry has shifted from who you could be meeting in person, to what could be waiting for us in our direct messages on these sites. The topic of digital consent must be addressed. Digital consent includes but it is not limited to getting permission to send and/or exchange, explicit images, messages and videos through a digital media or social platform.

We live in a time where digital consent is just as important as the type of in person consent, we are used to. Starting conversations with those around us about this topic can be more beneficial than we realize. It can come down to protecting each other's mental health and safety. Not only what you or someone else sends is out on the internet forever but there is also permanence to the viewer of what is sent. Once something is seen, it is hard to forget.

Creating awareness on the topic of digital consent will move forward the conversation towards action being taken on the issue at hand. One way to create this awareness is parents starting these tougher conversations with their kids, bringing up what digital consent is versus the consent we think of, and stressing how important it is to be aware of and to speak up if their boundaries have been crossed by another.

While creating awareness is important, and a good step to take, greater action needs to happen. It is obvious that the laws are not keeping up with technology because if they were some kind of penalty would be in place for this type of harassment. Of course, there is a penalty in place for explicit images sent to minors, but what about everyone else? Just because a person is registered on an online dating website this does not mean they wish to receive sexually explicit images. Everyone has boundaries face to face, so why wouldn’t they online too? Things such as digital guidelines need to come into place and eventually turn into an etiquette that is used on social media and dating websites as if it were in person. This change will take time, but it is an important change that needs to happen.

After my research on digital consent, here are some of my key takeaways to help us all stay as safe as possible online.

Look for websites and apps that have a lengthy sign up. Chances are, if someone is simply looking to harass other users of a site, they are going to take an easier route and use an app or site that only takes an email address and a name to register.

Avoid using sites and apps that let just anyone message you - Getting a chance to view a profile before accepting a message is good practice.

If you have mutual friends, ask those friends about the person messaging you to get some insight before accepting a message or friend request.

We should all try to be as safe as possible but the solution is educating and understanding that there are digital boundaries and those lines are not okay to be crossed.

Marty Goddard & the PERK

By Maddie Habron

For Women’s History Month, we are sharing one of the unsung heroes of the sexual violence awareness and prevention world: Marty Goddard. Since she invented the rape kit in the 1970s, it has revolutionized evidence gathering and helped to bring thousands of perpetrators to justice. While not every person who has experienced sexual violence undergoes this medical and forensic process, for some it is an important part of their journey. 

In the 1970s, sexual violence was an insurmountable social challenge. Sexual harassment was common and seen everywhere. A husband could rape his wife without fear of legal consequences. Contemporary studies found that domestic violence was “virtually nonexistent.” The only kind of rape that was recognized was “stranger rape” and even then, survivors faced significant push-back and blame from authorities. 

It was in this era that Marty Goddard was working with teenage runaways. These young girls were often survivors of sexual abuse. They ran away from their homes looking for safety, not adventure. Sexual assault service centers, providing victim-centered services, were just starting to be developed. Even if a victim found their way to one of these locations, there was no way to find the perpetrator after the crime had been committed. Marty knew that there had to be some way to collect evidence from the crime scene: the victim’s body. 

After years of making connections within the police department, Marty worked with Chicago police Sgt. Louis Vitullo to standardize the rape kit process. Despite developing the premise for the rape kit, Marty’s name appeared nowhere in newspapers or in the trademark information. Within ten years, rape kits were widely used in Chicago and began to spread across the country. Marty continually fought to expand the use of forensic evidence in sexual assault investigations. In 2015, Marty Goddard passed away, but her legacy lives on. 

The modern PERK (physical evidence recovery kit) remains mostly the same. It comes in a 8x11 box. The box contains instructions for the examiner, forms for documenting the evidence gathered, tubes, paper bags, swabs, dental floss, envelopes, and boxes: all intended to gather DNA and other forensic evidence from the patient’s body. 

The PERK exam begins with a detailed medical history, a narrative of the assault, then the evidence collection. While the PERK exam and other versions of this forensic process are medically important, sometimes the PERK Exam is just as traumatic as the act of violence itself. The patient’s informed consent is key. The forensic nurse performing the exam will stop at any point that the patient is uncomfortable. In the early hours after an assault, giving patients a choice is an important step in helping them restore their sense of bodily autonomy.

For help locating your local PERK providers check this provider map and this program listing. Still having trouble? Call RAINN’s National Sexual Assault Hotline to get connected to support services in your area: 1-800-656-4673

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Updated 3/22/2022 to include service provider locator options.

Survivor Stories: Beatrice's Stories

Content warning: child sexual abuse, intimate partner rape, 

By Beatrice,* a survivor

*A pseudonym 

My name is Beatrice, and I am a survivor of child sexual assault and intimate partner rape.

I never expected to feel brave enough to write and share my story on a platform like this. Even though I’ve found so much courage, strength, and bravery within myself for the past seven years since my first assault, doing something like this is still a challenge. I’ve been a shy and timid person for most of my life. Plus, disclosing any amount of your survivor story is always a difficult, even terrifying, experience. I’m lucky in that I have a strong support network and that people I’ve told have believed me, but a lot of survivors unfortunately don’t have that. Survivors are all too often questioned, blamed, and not be taken seriously or kept safe. So I’m telling my story here as a testament to myself that my story is my own, and that I have a voice. I’m also writing it to assure my fellow survivors that you’re not alone. 

My first assault took place during my sophomore year of high school. A classmate said that he needed to pick up a project before the day started and asked me to come with him. But he didn’t take me to the classroom. He took me to a secluded part of the hallway and forced me to hug him and kiss him, putting his hands all over me. I kept telling him that I wasn’t comfortable with what he was doing and telling him to stop. But he wouldn’t listen. He kept touching and kissing me. I told him to stop again and he let me leave. 

I got my stuff and walked to my homeroom without saying a word. Everything felt so blurry, like I had tunnel vision. I couldn’t stop shaking and eventually broke down. My teacher took me to the guidance counselor. I was given the option to press charges, but I decided not to at the time. I was too scared of having to face my abuser in court. He moved to another school a couple months after it happened, but every time I saw him in the hallways after that, my stomach hurt. I felt like a deer frozen in the headlights. 

Afterward, I mostly kept silent about it. A few of my family members and close friends knew, but that was it. I just wanted to try to move on with my life however I could. I became a reclusive, sullen, even snappy teenager. Any prolonged touch would make me get tense and shiver. 

But five years after it happened, I found out that my abuser was in jail for assaulting another child. Finding that out, while terrifying, was a really freeing experience. For the first time, I finally felt that my experience was valid. It really solidified that what happened to me was assault and that it wasn’t my fault at all. By this point, I was a college student and thanks to amazing mental health resources and groups on campus, I felt safe to share my story and start the process of healing. I also shared my story at Take Back the Night. Survivors and listeners alike empowered me even further. I’ll never forget that. I finally felt like I was thriving.

Then, just after I graduated college earlier this year, a boy that I had been in a relationship with for a few months raped me. This experience shook me to the core even more than my first assault because this boy was someone I loved and trusted, who seemingly loved me back just as much. I had also told him about my first assault. He promised that he wouldn’t do anything that I didn’t want to do. But that night, he asked me if I wanted to have sex. I didn’t. But he kept asking and pushing, even though I repeatedly told him no. He did it anyway. 

I felt numb. I think my brain was trying to convince myself that this didn’t just happen, that this wasn’t as horrible as I thought it might be. He knew my history and promised not to hurt me, so he didn’t actually hurt me, right?

Unfortunately, most abusers are people that the survivor knows and has a trusting relationship of some kind with--80%, according to RAINN. 33% are by a current or former survivor’s partner. 

But my body knew. I had a sinking feeling in my stomach that I just couldn’t shake away. When I looked at that boy, I didn’t see someone I loved and trusted—I saw someone who was a total stranger. As much as it hurt, I knew that I deserved someone who respected my boundaries and kept their word on promises they made. I escaped and later went to the hospital to get a rape kit done and report to the police. 

Making the decision to report wasn’t easy. I thought back to when I was a sophomore—how terrified I felt about facing a court hearing. If I reported, I knew that I was going to have to face tough questions and possibly testifying in front of him. Also, the chances of this going to trial or even resulting in an arrest were slim (RAINN reports that out of every 1,000 rapes, only five result in a prison sentence). But this time, I felt empowered to report. I wanted to stand up for myself, to give this boy the message that I wasn’t going to keep my story silent and that he was going to face the consequences for what he did. 

Unfortunately, the case was eventually dropped. The police said they didn’t have enough evidence to charge him. Part of me was relieved at not having to face him in court, but I was also furious. The thought of him walking away like nothing happened cut deeply. But if anything, that only fueled my desire to share my stories and find ways to be an advocate for fellow survivors. 

I still have a long way to go with my healing journey. Some days are still really difficult. I still have nightmares and times where I feel completely depleted and just want to cry, sometimes making it hard for me to fall asleep. However, I was given an F2F AfterCare Kit when I was at the hospital, which has been a huge part in my healing journey. I hug the teddy bear when I have trouble sleeping, and reading the note brings comfort to me knowing that whoever wrote that is thinking of me and rooting for me, even though they have no idea who I am. On particularly rough days, I put the box out where I can see it to reassure me that I have support and that I’m strong.

This pandemic has brought unique challenges. Sexual assaults are still happening in quarantine—I am among those. Social distancing can’t prevent us from finding ways to support survivors. We’ve made steps in the past. It continues during this pandemic, and it must continue after it passes. 

To all survivors out there who are struggling with finding their voices or are not believed, I offer these words: 

I believe you.

You are not alone.

What happened wasn’t your fault.

You have a voice.

You are strong. 

What You Need to Know About Stalking

By Madeline Malnight

January is National Stalking Awareness Month. Here are some things you might not know about stalking and how it impacts those victimized by it.

What is the definition of stalking? 

Stalking occurs when someone experiences repeated patterns of behavior that cause them to feel a reasonable fear for their safety or the safety of others around them.

States each have their own legal definition of stalking which may differ from others in what constitutes a pattern, types of behavior, and/or levels of fear. It is important to be familiar with  your state’s specific laws on stalking. Websites like statelaws.findlaw.com or womenslaw.org can make those legal codes easy to find and they break them down into language that is understandable.

Some examples of stalking behavior are:

• Receiving repeated unwanted phone calls, emails, texts, or letters. 

• Repeatedly showing up uninvited at your house, school, or work.

• Sending you unwanted gifts, flowers, or other items.

• Following you or spying on you, waiting for you at places.

• Damage to your property.

• Threats made against you and/or your family members or friends.

Stalking takes an immense toll on the survivor. Effects include:

One study found that “three quarters of the victims also displayed a symptom level that indicated the presence of a diagnosable psychiatric disorder. A significant number of stalking victims experience impacts in their interpersonal relationships and their ability to work in a traditional manner.

Who is at risk of being stalked?

The National Intimate Partner and Sexual Violence Survey (NIPSV) found that 1 in 6 women and 1 in 17 men were stalked at least once, “during which [they] felt very fearful or believed that [they] or someone close to [them] would be harmed or killed”. The same survey also found that most victims of stalking were stalked before they were 25 years of age (54.1% of women and 41% of men).

The Stalking Prevention, Awareness, and Resource Center (SPARC) reports that victims of stalking are more likely to be stalked by someone they know, for instance, a current or former intimate partner or a family member.

What should you say to someone who discloses their experience to you?

Many victims of stalking don’t disclose their experience. Often they fear they won’t be believed, or that they’ll be told they are overreacting. Here are some suggestions on how to respond to a stalking disclosure:

What resources are available for victims of stalking?

Stalking is a crime in all fifty states. For cases that occur across multiple states, there are laws at the federal level designed for those cases. Victims of stalking are encouraged to keep a stalking log, documenting incidents for any future legal proceedings. SPARC has a free stalking log to keep track of incidents and they also encourage victims to save evidence of texts, emails, or other forms of cyberstalking.

Obtaining a restraining order, also called a protection order, stay away order, or a host of other names depending on your location, is recommended. If you have a protection order, it's important that you carry it with you at all times and that the authorities are contacted IMMEDIATELY if the order is violated. If too much time has passed between the incident and it being reported, or the order is not consistently enforced it can prevent authorities from acting to ensure your safety.

The following organizations have resources, safety tips, and hotlines for victims of stalking:

• Victimconnect.org

• Womenslaw.org

• The Stalking Prevention, Awareness, and Resource Center

• The National Domestic Violence Hotline

• Rape, Abuse & Incest National Network

Above all, victims of stalking are encouraged to understand that stalking is a serious threat, take proper safety precautions, and to not hesitate to contact the authorities if you feel threatened or unsafe.

Coping with Trauma

By Denisha Hedgebeth and Sydni Ewell, The Center for Sexual Assault Survivors

The American Psychological Association defines trauma as a psychological and emotional response to a terrible event. Right after the event, someone might experience shock and denial. Other, long-term effects of trauma include, but are not limited to, flashbacks, strained relationships, as well as headaches and nausea. 

The stress of experiencing a trauma can be increased by not knowing where to turn and/or who can help. When a sexual assault occurs, no matter at what age or how long ago or recent the assault, a range of emotions may be experienced, and the healing process varies from person to person. 

It is not uncommon for individuals to attempt to avoid their feelings, to blame themselves, or to utilize coping skills that may be healthy or unhealthy. Examples of healthy coping skills can include journaling, deep breathing, walking in nature, talking to a trusted friend, and individual and/or group counseling. Examples of unhealthy coping skills can include substance abuse, self-harm, self-isolation, and avoidance of sleeping or eating or excessive sleeping or eating. Many times, the emotional discomfort and confusion after an assault can present as anger or anxiety. This range of emotions that a person may feel is extremely common and a normal reaction. However, these emotions should not be ignored.

While counseling may not be a good fit for every person, different modalities have been shown to benefit trauma survivors. Individual counseling can promote a person’s exploration of self, improve self-awareness, assist with identifying and maintaining healthy boundaries, and help with developing appropriate coping skills. Support groups have been an additional form of help for survivors by providing a safe, confidential space to process and normalize feelings with others who have experienced similar circumstances. This can assist with creating a trusted support system and reducing self-isolation. Groups also can provide unique perspectives since members will have different backgrounds, which can teach individual members a great deal about themselves by being exposed to these various viewpoints.

Each person deals with trauma differently and deserves to have an individualized experience, helping to make meaning of their circumstances. Located in Newport News, Virginia, The Center for Sexual Assault Survivors offers free and confidential crisis services to survivors and their family members including short-term individual counseling, support groups, advocacy (24/7 crisis hotline in addition to hospital and court accompaniment/support), and community engagement/awareness events including trainings. All services are currently being provided virtually for the safety of everyone during the pandemic. 

For more information regarding The Center’s services and resources, please visit the agency’s website at www.visitthecenter.org, contact the office at 757-599-9844 or 24/7 crisis hotline at 757-236-5260.

If you are located outside of the Peninsula area, you can use RAINN’s locator tool to find the nearest counseling center that specializes in supporting survivors of sexual violence. 

Indigenous Women and Sexual Violence

By Maddie Habron, Director of Grants and Partnerships

Last year and this year, in November 2019 and 2020, the United States Government recognized Native American Heritage Month. In light of this anniversary, we want to illustrate the real danger of sexual violence that Indigenous women and communities face every day. 

A note on terminology: F2F is dedicated to respecting individuals. There are more than 500 federally recognized American Indian and Alaska Native tribes, villages, and communities in the United States. While there is no term universally accepted by every indigenous population in the U.S., the terms “American Indian, Alaskan Native, Indigenous person, and Native American” are used for reporting purposes only, and appear in the form that the research used. The use of these commonly used terms are not meant to minimize, exclude, or generalize the individuals involved.

RAINN reports that, on average, 1 in 6 women will experience sexual violence in their lifetime. A Department of Justice Survey found that more than 4 in 5 American Indian and Alaska Native women have experienced sexual violence. 

Sexual violence awareness and prevention organizations attribute these drastic differences in assault numbers to several social and cultural factors. The three overarching factors are the historic human rights violations perpetrated against Indigenous people in the United States, issues of criminal prosecution and jurisdiction, and a lack of resources or culturally specific services. 

Indigenous communities all across the United States have long suffered historical outrages including widespread rapes and massacres. These violations can be seen today in the murder rates that American Indian women face: more than 10 times the national average. The Coalition of Stop Violence Against Native Women cited a study from the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention Homicide said that homicide is the third leading cause of death among 10-24 years of age and fifth among 25-34 years of age.  Hundreds of thousands of indigenous women and girls go missing every year. 

These rates of violence are only compounded by the intersections of tribal, state, and federal justice. These justice systems conflict and often law enforcement systems struggle to determine which justice system can investigate and prosecute crimes. Amnesty International lists three factors that decide which justice system can pursue a case: 

1. Whether the victim is a member of a federally recognized tribe or not

2. Whether the accused is a member of a federally recognized tribe or not

3. Whether the offense took place on tribal land or not

These questions can take time to answer, and often the investigation process is traumatizing for individuals. These factors are especially challenging when you learn that 97% of victims experience violence by an interracial perpetrator. This is likely someone who is not a member of a federally recognized tribe, the tribal justice system cannot pursue a case. 

Criminal justice may not be an option for some indigenous survivors, and there are few other ways to seek supportive services. Studies have found that, “given the multiple risks present in the AI/AN communities, the prevalence of posttraumatic stress disorder (PTSD) is substantially higher among AI/AN persons in the general community.” Reservations and tribal communities do not often have the financial resources to provide trauma informed counseling services, or adequate medical care. A 2006 report from Amnesty International Publications argued that some key recommendations to decreasing the rates of sexual violence in indigenous women are to better allocate federal funding to tribal courts and to ensure that law enforcement agencies and health service providers give access to sexual assault forensic examinations for free and within a reasonable distance. In light of these institutional shortcomings, many indigenous community members across the country have taken it upon themselves to create nonprofit organizations to provide services to survivors. 

A list of culturally specific nonprofit organizations can be found using The Tribal Resource Tool’s map function. You can also find a helpline and information at the StrongHearts Native Helpline. The Coalition to Stop Violence Against Native Women also lists various hotlines. 

Sexual violence is never the survivor’s fault: no matter who they are, where they were, or what they were doing. If you or someone you know is a survivor from an indigenous community, please know that there is support out there.

Understanding the Latest Research on Re-Victimization

By Maddie Habron, Director of Grants and Partnerships

A recent study conducted in Australia found that survivors of child sexual abuse were much more likely than their non-abused peers to be sexually and physically assaulted later in life. This study reaffirms previous research on re-victimization, which is when people who were abused once are abused again later in life. For survivors, the threat of re-victimization after already enduring abuse can be terrifying. In order for our communities to protect survivors, we must educate ourselves on re-victimization and why child sexual abuse survivors are the most at risk. 

Understanding how abuse impacts survivors is a critical component of understanding why child sexual abuse survivors are more likely to be abused again. Perpetrators of child sexual abuse in positions of power, such as teachers, coaches, and priests, often target and groom specific victims, preying on those with unstable home lives. This practice of preying on specific children ruins children’s self-esteem, their ability to trust other people, and their ability to form healthy relationships later in life. In addition to social difficulties, child sexual abuse survivors are more likely to develop mental illnesses including depression, anxiety disorders like PTSD, and substance abuse problems. 

There are multiple other factors that contribute to higher rates of re-victimization in child sexual abuse survivors. This study focused on three key factors: gender, the age when the child was abused, and whether or not the survivors previously suffered from mental illness. Mental illness proved to be the most troubling indicator of whether or not a survivor would be abused again. The study found that survivors who develop personality and/or anxiety disorders were about twice as likely to be victims of all kinds of crime than survivors who did not develop these disorders. Different mental illnesses also resulted in increased risks for different kinds of crime. For example, survivors who developed PTSD after their abuse were linked to higher instances of sexual abuse re-victimization. 

In addition to being individually traumatizing and harmful, the cumulative effects of being repeatedly abused can result in more serious mental illness. Repeated abuse can result in complex trauma, which describes both children’s exposure to multiple traumatic events and the wide-ranging, long-term effects of this exposure. These events are severe and pervasive, such as abuse or profound neglect. This trauma can make survivors less likely to report their abuse and is the reason why many states are changing their statute of limitations laws. These new laws give survivors the time they need to come to terms with their abuse and the impact the abuse may have had on their lives. 

Supporting survivors and protecting them from further abuse can seem like an impossible task. However, there are a few ways we as individuals and as a community can be helpful allies. Creating safe and open environments for survivors to talk about their abuse and connecting survivors with resources for professional mental health counseling are two of the most important ways we can help the survivors in our lives. We can also show our support by investing time and money into support organizations, academic studies, and legislation that understands the science of sexual abuse survivors and complex trauma.  

For more information, visit our Getting Help page.